Chasing rainbows...

...or, in other words; The Pursuit of Happiness.

I've been indulging in a little navel gazing over the past couple of days. I'm not usually one for self analysis, I know who I am, I know what I'm about, I rarely surprise myself. I have, however, been through the wringer a bit lately and this has led to a fair bit of pondering the whys and wherefores.

I remember when I was a kid at boarding school and my parents would trog down to collect Lil Sis and I at the end of term. We would drive away, car full to the brim and stomachs knotted with excitement about the impending holidays. I would stare out of the window and look at other cars with other passengers and actually feel sorry for them. How could they possibly be as happy as I was at that moment? Oh the smug attitude of a teen aged girl!

I got older, met EH and once again there were many moments of pure bliss. Happiness that was tangible, I could feel it. You know when you're so happy that you actually pause to recognise it? There is a conscious thought process where you tell yourself; "It doesn't get any better than this!"

Now I look back on those times and smile but in a slightly jaded, somewhat cynical way. There were happier times, but there were also horrible, dreadful, painful times.

Occasionally, especially when there have been long periods of okay, and not a lot of fantastic, something wonderful happens that brings back all of those knots in the gut feelings. Is it just human nature that we cling to it?

When I was having difficulties in a relationship, several years ago, I was talking to a friend who told me to stop chasing rainbows. They don't exist, he said. Focus on what you have, or you will lose it. I did lose it, but it was my choice. The relationship was causing us both harm and so I stopped it. Looking back now, who knows if I made the right decision. I have to hope that I did. Regrets are a wasted emotion.

One absolute part of human nature, and I am as susceptible as most, is the joy of having something to look forward to. We all do that, don't we? Looking forward to the weekend, the glass of wine at the end of the day, the holiday in a couple of months. If I don't have something to look forward to then I feel lost. But why? I have a good life, better than plenty of people. I'm healthy, I have 2 wonderful children, my own house, a great job. So why do I feel a little empty?

Maybe I am chasing rainbows. Maybe the rainbow that I chased for far too long didn't lead me to a pot of gold after all. Yes I have the memories. Yes at the time I was that smug teenager all over again, thinking that it couldn't be possible that anyone could be as happy as I was. Yes, it bit me on the arse. I don't regret it though. If I regretted it then I would be denying myself the memory of a sublime happiness.

This doesn't really lead me anywhere, except that I know I should focus on the present. I'm 37, my life is maybe half over, (if I carry on with this Chardonnay habit it's two-thirds over!). I can't keep looking forward to finding rainbows, or just waiting for something to happen. I must focus on the here and now.

I am doing my best to stay on track. It's not easy, I feel a little like an addict who had their stash taken away. There are good days and bad days. Mostly I feel ok, occasionally something happens that sends me off into a spin, reaching for the nearest wine bottle and packet of cigarettes. Shit, who am I kidding, that's me most days!

One thing is certain though, I won't be chasing rainbows anymore. I don't ever want to feel the way I have these past few weeks again. I may not have regrets, but I have learned a hard lesson.